SANDWICHES

"Mom, is this all the peanut butter you have?"

"You're taking all my peanut butter? Why?"

"I'm making a bunch of sandwiches for a family sitting on the corner of the intersection at Pioneer Parkway. They're holding signs that say, "hungry."

I was on winter break, home from college for a few weeks. I didn't have much cash but I had time and a big heart.

I drove and parked my car at a shopping center nearby. I got out and walked across the busy intersection until I approaced the family, clutching my brown paper bags filled with food. "They are going to be so relieved and grateful when they see all this food," I thought to myself. "They've probably been sitting here all day, and who knows if anyone has brought them anything to eat yet."

"Whatcha got there?" asked the man with the sign as I handed him the bags.

"Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," I replied, looking over and smiling at his family.

"God damn peanut butter and jelly. That's all we ever get! Don't you people think we'd ever like something else?" He continued to mutter several expletives, shocking my much too young, much too naive senses, not with his words, but with his ungrateful attitude. Altruism aside, I guess I did expect a "thank you."

I walked back to my car, seething. Didn't they realize that I used up my mom's lunch supplies for them? She works two jobs and barely has time to feed herself, but she always has a peanut butter sandwich. And I went and used up all her bread, all her peanut butter, all her jam. I felt awful. She was the generous one, not me.

And how was I supposed to know that homeless famlies were overwhelmed with pb and j's? I've been holed up in a small liberal arts compound for the last couple of years. I know everything there is to know about everything. Guess I missed the class on "What to Feed Your Cranky Neighborhood Homeless Guy." But seriously, are homeless families really buried under the weight of these soggy-sugary-fruit-and-nut-spread children's lunch box staples? Why don't they just build houses out of them if they receive so many?

"Bitter much?" I asked myself.

Actually, this was a new flavor for me. Growing up with an abusive, alcoholic father had given me a taste of anger. Well, more than a taste. It was force-fed and shoveled down my throat. Anger, disappointment, sadness..these were gut-level responses that I'd become accustomed to. Like air. Like breathing. But bitterness? I felt awash in a weird sensation. An intense antagonism overcame me. I felt stiff.

I was mad at the man who cussed me out. I was mad at myself for not being more educated on the sandwich preferences of the homeless. I was mad at the world for allowing such a societal problem to occur. I was mad at peanut butter for existing in such abundance.

"Fuck it."

I got in my car and drove home.

SendOutCards.com Review

Through Fiverr, I'm reviewing an online photo and greeting card site. I received some free cards to send out to family for doing so, and have a link for y'all to try the site for free as well. Here is the link to learn more about the site:
https://www.sendoutcards.com/cgi-bin/trncustomer.pl?more_info::

Here is the link to set up an account so you can have a free trial of the site:
https://www.sendoutcards.com/cgi-bin/trnuser.pl?socwalkthrough_start:::11888

Both my husband and I have personally used this service and were both impressed with how easy the site is to navigate (lots of tutorials that you can watch or listen to while you work, or you can pause them or turn them off completely), how quickly our cards came in the mail (3-5 days), and the high quality printing of the photos we had chosen. In a few easy (and fun) steps, we were able to upload a photo of Dax and send off "Happy Spring" cards to the grandparents. A bonus is that you can send the same card to multiple recipients at the same time.

Another neat feature is that your card comes with the sender's name and address printed on the back of the card. I don't know how many times I've thrown away an envelope, only to realize I needed that person's address later.

Convenience seems to be a key part of the company's objective for their customers because not only can you send a card of any kind to someone, you can include a gift (various items to choose from) or a gift card (but not required). I think of all the graduation, thank-you, birthday, and Christmas presents I've sent and had to pay oodles on shipping costs. I know many of my family would have loved an iTunes gift card or a card from Target or Starbucks, to name just a few.

This is a fun way to make someone's day and there are many ways to personalize your card.

The only downside I could find on the site had to do with purchasing cards beyond the free trial. You apparently have the choice of either purchasing "points" for more cards (each customization you add to your card can cost additional points), or you can purchase a set number of cards for a lump sum.

Also, you must enter your name and email, etc. to sign up but that is true of most any site these days. You can always use a secondary email account as a precaution, but so far I have received no spam from this company, only follow-up emails from a representative to make sure my cards had arrived.

Daxana Joy, 14 1/2 months

For my Daxana Joy

When she smiles at me each morning from her crib, with the biggest grin I've ever seen in my life, and an actual twinkle in her eye, there is Joy.

When she eagerly awaits for me to lift her out because she only knows endless possibilities for her day, and she may "starve" if she doesn't learn something new right away, there is Joy.

When she talks to me so emphatically, like she knows for a fact that she is sharing with me all of the secrets of the universe (and maybe she is), of life, of love, of legos, there is Joy.

When she waddles down the hall to her room, grabs the biggest book she can find, and toddles back to me, never giving up no matter how many times she drops it, so I will read it to her, there is Joy.

When she plays peek-a-boo behind the foot stool and giggles hysterically because she thinks we can't see her......when she makes us laugh so hard that we cry, there is Joy.

When she points to the squirrels in the yard and shouts with glee, "Puppy!".......

When she finds something that interests her and says with wide-eyed wonder, "ooooooohhhhhh".........

When she dances to Black Eyed Peas..........

When she signs the word "fish" by wiggling her body..........

When she asks for more food and my heart swells with thankfulness that we have enough to feed her as much as she'll ever need.........

When I look into her eyes and study her face, her mannerisms, her soul, and see generations within her..........

When I hear her squeal, "Daddy!" when Kurt gets home, as if she just won the baby equivalent of the lottery.........

there is overflowing Joy.

Thank you, Miss Daxy, for all that you bring to our lives.

Horrible Awful Very Bad Day ends with Horny Awesome Sassy Bad Gays

OK, who doesn't want to read this with a title like that? ;-)

Life is not all bad, but sometimes you just need to vent so you can move beyond the bad days.

1.) Witnessed a traffic accident as a guy ran a red light and nearly hit us, but hit the car next to us instead. It brought up a lot of stuff from when we were hit in '08, stuff I'm still being treated for weekly, a year and a half later.

2.) Cortisone shot in my foot for podiatric problems I've had for a long time. Likely surgery. This isn't desired by any of us, as I don't do well under general anesthesia. Doc wants to give me narcotics for the pain. I tell him narcotics make me vomit and hallucinate & that Garfield and the Tin Man wind up chasing after me. True story.

Doc then says, "well, what did you take for the pain of childbirth?" I tell him nothing. Herbal tinctures to help me sleep. Maybe some Tylenol. Lots of heat and ice on me baby-makin' bits. I think he's either impressed or thinks I'm an idiot. We decide on a coctail of Aleve, Ibuprofen, and Fudge.

3.) Kurt pushing my wheelchair *&* Dax's stroller at the same time at the mall (couldn't roll my wheelchair b/c i also threw my shoulder out on top of everything else, trying to practice half-court shots on the small chance I win the lottery of people who get to shoot a half-court shot during a Blazer game to win a truck. Stupid Girl. Shut up! A girl can dream!) only to find the store we needed decided to close early (& we drove into PDX from Hillsboro and Kurt had to miss work for this, which is a stress all its own) & to top it off, the elevators at the mall were busted so we had to have security guards guide us thru a maze of service elevators (thank goodness there wasn't a fire or emergency at the mall). A 2 hr. errand turned into an all-day fiasco. And a bunch of parentheticals in my first-ever blog.

Makes you realize what people in wheelchairs go through, if only for a little while. I couldn't reach anything high on shelves at the store. Felt quite helpless and small. Couldn't fit through the aisles. I wouldn't have been able to reach the changing table in the bathroom to change D-Joy. I don't know what I would have done without Kurt there.

I shouldn't be lifting Dax, but I am. I shouldn't be walking on my foot, but what choice do i have, with a toddler running around? Just when I long for nothing more than to walk in the sun, relieve my winter Blues with a capital "B", get some exercise, this crap has to happen. Recovery from surgery is 12 wks. I don't know what i'm going to do. Our house still hasn't been unpacked from last year's flooding. We will have to prolong trying to get pregnant again (and we ain't gettin' any younger. With our fertiIity issues, time is the most valuable resource we have).

I may have to request a dinner train from people or pay someone to come and help Kurt take care of both me and the baby. I just don't know. In conclusion:

THANK GOODNESS FOR THE WILL & GRACE DVDS ON SALE AT TARGET TONIGHT!

(you wondered when I was finally going to get to the gay part of my day).

Laughter is the best medicine for me right now :-) If you know a good joke.....

Thanks to those who actually read the whole thing.

My mantra for now: Tomorrow is a new day.

L.L.